Well I’m back as special guest columnist. Yes, it’s Scarlett, the Cat. I’m not sure why I use that as my pseudonym. You take one look at me and you know I’m a cat. 

But given the circumstances under which I was born and raised, I’m not really certain of my last name so I guess it’ll do. It’s at least caught on. I think maybe my true last name is “Heygoogle” or “Stop That”. The guy who boards in my house yells those things a lot. Scarlett Heygoogle, has a nice British flair to it, so I use that a lot when people ask. My notoriety hasn’t yet reached the level that I can simply go by “Scarlett”, like Madonna or Lebron or my boarder’s assistant at  work, Mary Beth. Maybe someday. 

Not certain of my boarder’s name. Probably should have him sign a contract or lease to let him stay in my house, but since he was here first it would be awkward to ask. I hear friends call him by a bunch of different names – usually “Buddy” or “Evans” – but “Buddy” doesn’t sound sophisticated enough for a cat of my tastes and “Evans” sounds like a last name or something. I occasionally hear some of our  visitors call him “Leon”. I’m not wild about that one either so I have shortened it to “Leo”. Makes me feel like we’re related – like Leo, the Lion. Get it ? So I call him Leo although I don’t think he cares for it much. 

Why am I writing this week’s column ? My boarder was getting frustrated this morning and asked me for ideas. I just stared at him in that supportive way we cats have (sense my sarcasm here). So he says you know I’ve written over 100 columns and never a political one. I can’t hold my tongue on that so I say now’s not the time to start. He eventually gives up and throws his iPad on the floor and leaves the room. Thankfully it landed with the screen up so here I am.

The last time I stood in on this column my boarder had gone on what he referred to as a “vacation”. Sounded pretty much like everyday life to me except I didn’t see him for a couple of weeks. But  it was all good. Miss Molly came in and filled up my bowl and played with me. I love Miss Molly and have thought about trying to orchestrate a trade so that I live with her and her cat lives with my boarder, but it might hurt his feelings. And I am pretty attached to my house and not sure who would get it. 

My boarder has been home for 3 or 4 days in a row without leaving this time. He called it a “holiday” – Thanksgiving I think. Seems a lot like the vacation except he didn’t go away. I’ve talked to a lot of my friends and it seems that many of their boarders are on permanent holiday – they call it pandemic isolation. 

Several of my friends have even had to seek therapy because their boarders have been “too much with them”. I tell them that they are not using their most important feline skill – practiced indifference. When my boarder is here for too long I apply this trait and am able to maintain an even keel. I have  often thought that we cats should try to teach this trait to dogs, but those helpless creatures will soon evolve out of existence anyway given the track they are on so why bother? 

My boarder still gets up early each morning and eventually heads into his office. Guess he hasn’t caught on to this “isolation trick”, where, as I understand it, you get to stay home on holiday but still get paid. Good work if you can find it I say.

I worry about my boarder sometimes. You think cats are nocturnal ? Every time I wake up during the night time this guy seems to be up. I know I’m not myself if I don’t get my good 20-22 hours so I don’t know how he gets by. I notice he doesn’t leap from his chair or the bed and sprint around the house like I do either. Must be some connection. 

Back to the column. Like I said before I’ve read some of my boarder’s stuff and I know anybody can do it.  I asked him once how much he has to pay the newspaper to run his drivel. I suggested a name for the column once – “What you need when you’re out of cat box liners”- he didn’t laugh. 

I have to try to keep him humble. I remind him constantly that he’s no Pat Conroy, that he isn’t even a Pat Sajak. He once said that some of his friends at work tell him that he should “retire and write”. I told him that he misunderstood – that they said “you should retire from writing”. Or maybe they just want him to retire.

I jest of course. All in all he is a good boarder. He meets most of his responsibilities in a timely fashion. If he doesn’t, I use another one of my feline skills – the patient meow (sense my sarcasm again). He does his best, given the limited intelligence of his species. And I like him enough that I hope the newspaper will not charge him as much as they usually do to run this piece. It’s better than the stuff he sends in.