Every self-respecting (or aspiring in my case) columnist needs to write a piece about Christmas music at some point. I believe I have touched on the subject before, but this one is full bore, an all-out tribute, or assault, depending on the song and the artist and the circumstance.

First, there are a few basic rules. You should not play or listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. Turkey Day deserves its own special traditions, such as Turkey Trots, touch football, the Macy’s Day Parade and watching the Detroit Lions lose on television (sorry Cousin Kevin – my late wife’s first cousin is the head trainer for this moribund franchise). Music optional or of your own choice prior to the day after Thanksgiving, but no Christmas songs. Don’t sully this family time with Jingle Bells.

    Secondly, it is okay to play Christmas music after December 25th, all the way up to New Year’s Eve if you like, although it loses its pizazz for me except for that brief moment of melancholy Christmas afternoon when I realize it will be 11 months until I can tune into the Traditional Christmas Music channel on Sirius XM again. Then I realize that I am just that much closer to the Sports Illustrated bathing suit issue in February and the magical words “pitchers and catchers report”, so I move on and watch the remaining 4 airings of Christmas Story.

Next, only certain artists can be listened to – Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Perry Como, Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole, with early Johnny Mathis and non-schmaltzy Andy Williams’ songs on occasion. My wife and I disagreed on this rule – she developed a taste for Christmas songs by people named Jewel and Michael Buble and Lady Gaga. I blamed this on her watching too much of the Today Show and I ignored these CD’s in our stack. Our compromise was Kenny G – at least he didn’t sing. She also learned to tolerate my ritual of taking out of town visitors to the Perry Como Memorial in Canonsburg on trips to Pittsburgh. Worth the trip.

My next rule addresses the songs themselves – there is certain Christmas music which should either be banned or severely restricted. Little Drummer Boy (this song on the radio has driven many of us to the brink of insanity), Feliz Navidad (save me), Elvis’s “Have Yourself a Blue, Blue Christmas” (RIP Elvis, but you should have left this one alone) and that terrible Hawaiian song (come on, who wants images of mai tai’s and palm trees at Christmas ? They are for January vacations, not the mountains of Virginia or the hills of North Central West Virginia during the holidays).

“Rudolph” – I like it for young kids, but I developed a better feeling for Gene Autry when I learned that he did this song as a joke – never expected it to catch on. Pure camp – like Ed Ames doing “Try to Remember the Kind of September”. I can just picture Gene and the singing cowboys sitting around throwing down a few and recording this song, laughing their heads off.

Now I will turn to acceptable Christmas songs and some of the memories they evoke. In my mind’s eye these songs were all recorded in late November in little offices on the West Side of Manhattan, snow swirling through the canyons of the tall buildings, not in Hollywood in June as is sometimes incorrectly reported on the labels.

”O Come all ye Faithful” – memories of my Dad reading the Christmas story from St. Luke on Christmas Eve after returning from opening presents at my aunt’s house.

“Hark the Herald Angels Sing” – the children’s choir at St. Paul Methodist and how much I hated being in it, but I liked the melody. Gloooooria.

“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” – caroling around the neighborhoods of Christiansburg (actually, trying to hang out with girls who were caroling around the neighborhoods of Christiansburg) my first Christmas break during college. I was with my friend Jerry Gilmore, and I carried a pint of rum in my back pocket. I don’t think we opened it, but I wanted everyone to know I was a real college student.

“Chestnuts” – “The Christmas Song”. For some reason I remember watching the Art Linkletter afternoon show with my mother when I was 6 or so and hearing it sung by some guy named Mel Torme, whom I later learned wrote the song. That fact notwithstanding, Nat King Cole’s is the only version you should ever listen to.

“Away in the Manger” – my daughter Beth and her best friend Karen singing it at Christmas Eve service at Bridgeport Methodist when they were 6 years old.

“I’ll be Home for Christmas” – when I listen to the end it takes me to a place where my parents’ lives were during WW II – the line “if only in my dreams” always makes me emotional, but then I imagine my Dad singing and I start laughing. Worst singing voice in a family of wretched singers! Hall of Fame of Atrocious Crooners.

“There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays “- memories of our big old house in Bridgeport when my daughters were very young, and their mother and I stopped heading south to our parents for the holiday. We wanted the girls to know that Santa could find them.

“Sisters” (scene from White Christmas with Rosemary Clooney and Vera Ellen) – daughter Beth age 6 trying to make 3-year-old Laura do the scene with her. Not really a Christmas song, but along with Bing doing “Blessings” in the same movie, a priceless memory.

“White Christmas” by Bing. No Christmas is complete without this. Watched the movie with my Mom a thousand times. My Dad said it didn’t match his memories of Europe during the war. Literary license.

“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” – memories of downtown Christiansburg and Shelton & Walters Men’s Store and its store front windows and Clifford Costigan decorating, and Taylor’s Office Supply and Crede Taylor and his bushy white eyebrows like Santa and wrapping paper everywhere. Funny where memory takes you.

“Silver Bells”- could make my list of irritating tunes, but also renders great memories of standing “under the clock at Kaufman’s” in downtown (“dahntahn”) Pittsburgh, waiting for Joyce during our annual Christmas shopping trip. Also, memories of being drug around downtown Roanoke by my parents during the season.

Finally, Johnny Mathis doing “Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas“ – J and I living in our little apartment after we were first married and me putting the song on and pouring us a couple of glasses of red wine around midnight on Christmas Eve. Nuf ced.

Merry Christmas.

Post script: Darling daughter Laura has now convinced me that playing Christmas music as soon as Halloween is done is okay. Given the state of the world, the more Christmas we can have, the better. I now honor Christmas and ThanksgIving together.